Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A season of singleness

So I have been at BCOM for just under two months now and as I expected the greatest struggle for me has been the dating fast. Sort of sounds weird coming from me, but I do enjoy dating and have longed for that one relationship to come along for quite some time now. Well I came to a school that has a 6 month long dating fast to start it off. It makes sense to my logic - people of similar passion coming together in a very small community can lead to relationships quickly!
Well I haven't really been taking it seriously. Inappropriate I know, but it was the reality of the last 2 months. I wasn't going girl crazy or anything like that - not just hunting without stop for a girl. But I definitely wasn't being disciplined in my thoughts and attitudes. Last night things sort of came to a new level of frustration.
Let me take it back a few years for the sake of context. My love story is filled with brokenness and pain. I was too attached to a girl that lived too far away for far too long. She tore my heart out and stomped on it many times but I was never able to really get free from her until very recently. She was never good for me (if you need it restated) but in hindsight God was very faithful to protect me from it being much worse. During the same period of time there was another girl that I knew that I had a crush on. Well once I moved down here for AFLBS I spent some time with her, but she ended up meeting one of my friends and they are dating. It wasn't such a big deal but the way that they handled the beginning of it left some pretty big scars on me.
There has been a level of freedom that has come this year that I haven't known in a long time, but last night a lot of those old hurts came flooding back. The girl that I have been most attracted to here was flirting with a different guy and then I saw the main symbol of my time with the long distance so I got into a big time funk.
It just confounds my thinking, if I have a pure heart as he revealed and if my whole desire for wanting relationship is to have a mate/a best friend that can be with me in ministry then it is very frustrating that He is making me wait. I am trying to just trust in the time of God - that it is perfect and that even in his "slowness" He is working much faster than I could ever do in my "fastness".
So I know that this is an area that I never really talk about and try to just keep to myself but I am entering a new season in my life and need to be open with the reality of it. I may not always like...very presumably but I know that to grow in intimacy with God I must truly fast from relationships and from that desire. So if you are reading this, you know me and I would just ask you to pray for me in this area and let me know what God says to you (if He says anything to you for me!)!
I must make it clear that I have no idea how long this will last, it could be a few days - but I doubt that or it could last for months to years. I am just continuing to eliminate the things that have served as the biggest distractions to me in my daily life.


So just as an update about this, nothing has really changed as far as it goes. God has still got me working through this time in my life. I have done what I could do resist it but that usually just makes it harder to deal with. Maybe if I went and lived in a cave it would help. I probably won't do that though, too much work finding a cave to live in. But seriously, it is a major contributor to the exhaustion that seems so firmly planted in my bones that no amount of sleep and rest can shake free. I think to myself, I should just submit it, but I have and I know that truthfully my desire for my other is pure and good. Until God sees right to end it, I will continue to live in this season.