Sunday, August 16, 2015

Stream of consciousness

Been thinking about a bunch of different things lately; leadership, the future, friendship, life, haven't been able to pin point if I should write about any of them or something different but I feel compelled to do some writing.
Maybe that's not a good enough reason. Feelings/emotions are not a trustworthy OS; that's tech language for Operating System, for those who don't know. It's not a good way to live life, I know by experience yet I feel like I should do some writing.
Maybe I'll just hit on all of them and/or others as it goes. It's hard to say, but I'll try to have it make sense.
When I've been thinking about leadership I've primarily been focused on wondering what it's actually about. Over the years, from various people that I have "leadership potential." As with any other kind, potential can be wasted or never fully realized but what is different about leadership potential is that leadership is dependent on others to be real. I heard a quote a week ago, "leadership without other people is just a person going for a walk." I'm not particularly fond of people, which I muse at since I've ended up in a job where I work with people, not alone doing my own thing. I find people to be terrible yet I try to not let that dictate what I do.
To that end and even more so because I think that it's part of what God wants me to be doing these days, I actually put quite a bit of time and attention into having positive, genuine friendships. I'm completely fine being alone and enjoy it immensely since it allows me to have unmitigated freedom. But that's not what I've signed up for. I'm determined to follow God. So when that means doing the opposite of what I want, fine. No, it's never as simple as that though. I wrestle with the pushes because I like to be comfortable but also because I need to be as sure as possible that I'm following God and not my own twisted mind or worse yet, the ones whose purpose it is to destroy me. So I think about friendship and leadership, needing people.
All the while wondering what the future holds. When I graduated from high school, I had ideas. I thought I knew how things would go. Yeah...they didn't go that way. After a year of tech school I moved to Minneapolis, wouldn't have ever guessed that was going to happen. I spent most of 4 years down there at 2 different schools, the second of which I didn't know existed until some time during my second year at the bible school. But I endeavored to go to Bethany for my Bachelors degree. I was on track for 2 calendar year then made poor decisions. I thought I was following God but I was delusional and couldn't see the forest for the trees. So I ended up back in Fargo and with the exception of a few months that I spent back in Minneapolis I've been here ever since. So a consistent amount of unforeseen happenings as the future has become the present and the past. I'm grateful for the happenings because I've become a better person as a result. Where it leaves me though is that I have no idea what is going to happen in the future. I'm in a good place and will stay here as long as possible even while trying to figure out what's next.
Life is unpredictable but I for one wouldn't have it any way. Even though it's tough. Even though it's full of the unknown, it's an adventure and I love adventure. So I'll keep going. Keep thinking, trying to figure things out a little bit before they happen but will also just enjoy the surprises.