Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's a Wonderful Life

So it's been kind of a crazy time lately. Struggles and breakthroughs that are followed by more struggles and more breakthroughs has kind of been my pattern of life right now. Not sure if it needs to be said, but it is sort of a tiring cycle. Compound that with the fact that I still don't really have anyone around here that I fit with though that is kind of changing/improving.

So let me share a few of the lessons that I have been learning very recently.
1) While my journey as a believer began in earnest after graduation, I have begun to realize that people were prophesying over me and praying for me for countless years prior to that. Seems kind of obvious to now, I was a little psycho on the fast track to prison and addiction but God has never allowed it. When the majority of my brothers have struggled with addictions to drugs, alcohol, and porn while I have basically never gone beyond the fringes of those social circles I have to be amazed. I desire sex, but so much more than that, I desire to have my best friend - the one that I can hold while we sleep and just enjoy as a person that God has designed for me. I'm not spotless, but God has kept me from many things that would have taken me away.
2) A related theme that I have received - most through visions but also through prophecy, is that I have an impossible to achieve on my own/in my own strength kind of destiny. I believe that is God's voice so I am unwavering in my pursuit of it, but in the pursuit I get tired, frustrated, and terrified. We were having a prayer meeting last night and some of the stuff that was being prayed over me so too intense for me to handle and I had to walk out to get my bearing. Well some of the stronger ones amongst the group came after me. One of the girls told me that I can't fail. I can't fail because it's not me doing the work. I am a worker so it's hard for me to swallow, but it was certainly the word that I needed to hear!
3) I am who I am supposed to be. I've never really liked pretense or masks - they just lead to suffocation, but I was never really satisfied with who I am. Like in the natural realm it is explainable, I come from a very successful and gifted family of which I was always sort of the runt. It's hard growing up thinking you were never good enough but again, I wasn't really suicidal so God protected me from it having too much play in my conscience. Now I know that I am who I am because it's who I am supposed to be. I'm extreme and stubborn so that I will persevere and never fear limits, I am a dreamer so that I can truly believe - not just possibilities but the things that are actually happening, the real beliefs.
My characteristics and my life have God written all over them but kind of like the King needing Daniel to read the writing on the wall, I need the Spirit, my community and more experience to grasp how God has played things out. But don't give up, he is working everything out!